I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
