You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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