i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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