I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize