I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
