Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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