Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
