just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
