well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
