Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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