I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she looked like the before picture.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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