Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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