I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
