I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
