allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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