Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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