just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
