I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
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I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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