i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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