Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
