so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
