my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
