Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
