my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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