i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
