The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
