He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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