did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
