If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
