I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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