Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
