I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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