I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Me too!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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