70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
