guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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