I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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