I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
