I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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