I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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