Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
