The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
