2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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