Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Houston, we have a blender
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
