I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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