Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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