K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
