What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
