if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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