the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
