R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
