found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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