and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
a search helicopter?!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
