The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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